3 Reasons Being Self-Centered Is a Good Idea
The extremes of narcissism and martyrdom are unhealthy levels of self-interest at opposite ends of the spectrum with self-centered at their center.
Meaning of Being Self-Centered
I googled a word that means considering your own needs and the needs of others.
Google suggested selflessness and altruism, yet both of these mean benefiting others at one’s own expense. Google presented no word that means considering one’s own needs AND the needs of others.
The extremes of narcissism, which considers only one’s needs, and martyrdom, which is always sacrificing one’s needs, are not healthy levels of self-interest for anyone. Even the act of sacrificing one’s needs is not totally selfless, because of the underlying need to be perceived as good by others. One can never look at any situation and totally exclude their own perspective or be totally selfless.
Matthew McConaughey suggests that it is good to be selfish, to consider one’s own needs. Yet the definition of selfish includes “lacking consideration for others” per Oxford Languages (used for all definitions in quotes). So while I applaud his reasoning, I choose the term self-centered instead, since its definition does not preclude considering the needs of others.
Self-centered means to be “preoccupied with oneself and one’s affairs,” and preoccupied means “engrossed in thought.” Therefore, being self-centered is being very thoughtful about oneself and one’s affairs. Since you cannot remove your perspective when you begin any thought process, all decisions start from self-centeredness.
To harmoniously live in society, one must consider one’s own needs AND the needs of others, and I believe self-centered is the best term to allow for the consideration of both. So let’s expand our understanding of being self-centered to mean being centered in oneself and fully present to a situation to allow for consideration of one’s own needs and the needs of everyone involved.
3 Reasons to Be Self-Centered
Being self-centered requires you to consider your own needs. You need to start from a centered state before you can effectively consider others’ needs. There are three very important reasons to be self-centered and consider your own needs from the start:
You can’t expand your mindset for the benefit of all if your thoughts and beliefs are based on other people’s disempowering thoughts and beliefs about you instead of your authentic Truth.
You can’t have mutually loving and respectful relationships with others if you don’t have a loving and respectful relationship with yourself instead of negative self-talk and shame.
You can’t have healthy habits, body and home if you give all your time, energy and resources to others without receiving any benefit directly or indirectly and instead are drained to burnout, overwhelm and illness.
Let’s take a closer look at each of these.
Your Mindset Controls Your Perception
You can’t expand your mindset for the benefit of all if your thoughts and beliefs are based on other people’s disempowering thoughts and beliefs about you instead of your authentic Truth.
What thoughts pop into your mind when you are facing a challenging situation? Are they encouraging and empowering thoughts? Or do they discourage you and tell you that you can’t possibly overcome the situation? Do they incite fear for your own protection?
Humans have a negative bias, which is necessary for survival while hunting and gathering. Fear is a helpful emotion, meant to protect us from predators. Although our challenges may not always be as life-threatening in modern society, the natural reactions to them are the same.
The human mind does not distinguish between real and imagined threats and challenges. The body reacts to worry about possible future threats in the same way as it reacts to actual threats. To prevent or release the reactions, you need to challenge those fearful thoughts and projections and replace them with positive possibilities, which are just as likely and won’t cause your body unnecessary stress.
Most of our beliefs were instilled in us by the age of 8, based on the beliefs of our family of origin and our teacher, religious leaders, peers and other influential people in our lives. These beliefs may have been appropriate for our childhood, but not all beliefs are also appropriate in adulthood. Question your beliefs to determine if they still resonate with you. Consciously challenge any negative limiting beliefs about yourself or others to intentionally choose thoughts and beliefs that support your needs and those of others.
Shifting from a fixed to a growth mindset can greatly impact your perception and your ability to have empowering thoughts and beliefs. Continue to expand your mindset to consider your own needs, the needs of others and any impact on the community and nature.
Your Relationship with Yourself Controls Your Other Relationships
You can’t have mutually loving and respectful relationships with others if you don’t have a loving and respectful relationship with yourself instead of negative self-talk and shame.
How do you treat yourself? Do you make commitments to self-care and honor them? Do you make plans for self-care and postpone them to accommodate loved one’s needs? Do you sacrifice your time off by working extra hours or volunteering to help others beyond the amount of time you truly have available? Do you say yes to others’ needs and no to your own?
You train others to treat you how you expect to be treated and how you feel you deserve to be treated - how you were trained to expect to be treated when you were young.
If your sense of worth and self-esteem are low, then you are probably not treating yourself very well, assigning your own self-care and need fulfillment as low priorities. Your family, friends and coworkers will observe how you treat yourself and most likely mimic you and treat you as less worthy or deserving of having your needs met.
If you instead release your negative self-talk and shame-filled limiting beliefs, then you are more likely to treat yourself well, prioritizing your own self-care and need fulfillment. Your family, friends and coworker will observe how you treat yourself and most likely treat you as worthy of respect and deserving of having your needs met.
Social skills, communication skills and professional skills are all enhanced by your higher level of self-esteem and sense of worthiness. You are alive, therefore, you deserve love and respect, and you are worthy of giving and receiving love in the natural flow of life. Start with self-love.
Your Habits and Choices Control Your Progression Through Life
You can’t have healthy habits, body and home if you give all your time, energy and other resources to others without receiving any benefit directly or indirectly and instead are drained to burnout, overwhelm and illness.
Do you purposefully choose how to spend your time, energy and money? Or do you react to whatever is in front of you each moment? Do you avoid stating your preferences and allow your boss, your family and your friends to decide how you will spend your time? Do you do things in ways that don’t resonate with you because you’ve been told it’s the right way to do it? Do you spend your money on things that you don’t really need because it’s a trend that everyone in your core group follows?
Although we all have 24 hours in a day, you feel drastically different if you’re allowing someone else to dictate how to spend them. Doing things that others think you “should do” in ways they say it “should” be done that don’t resonate with you causes you stress and zaps your energy. You could choose to change what you do or how you do it to better use your time and energy. But when you can’t change either, you can shift your mindset.
For example, if you must do a job for your boss in a certain way, you can shift from the stressful demands of shoulds to the positive intentional choice to do what will help you succeed at your job and develop and maintain a good relationship with your boss.
When the demands are coming from family and friends, be sure to voice your opinions and state your needs for support and to do what you want and the way you want sometimes. Shake up the dynamics of your relationships to support your own needs. Most of your family and friends will be supportive because they love you.
You get to choose how you spend your time, energy and money. Take a quick analysis of how you’re spending your time and money. Decide how to tweak your schedule to spend more time doing what you would love. Decide how to tweak your budget to save money for the things you truly want. Make one small change at a time to create new habits that support doing more of what you would love to do.
What would you love to do to truly unwind the stress and energy yourself mentally, emotionally and physically? Can you think of fun ways to exercise your body, like dancing, swimming or hiking? Would you enjoy soaking in the tub or getting a massage? Maybe you just want to hang out with friends. If so, limit any venting negative talk and amp up the laughter. Create some rejuvenating nourishing rituals to re-energize and make your time feel more expansive.
Focus spending your money only on things that you love and will really use. Avoid exposure to advertising and trends in the media. You get to choose what resonates with you. Make conscious choices that align with your vision and values.
You deserve to live a full, purposeful life with mutually loving and respectful relationships and an abundance of health and wealth to fulfill all your needs. The way to do that is to make choices around the things you can control.
What You Control
The only things you can control are your own thoughts, emotions, words and actions.
Choose to think positive thoughts and to believe expansive beliefs.
Choose to control your emotions and choose to respond appropriately to others and to your situation and circumstances.
Choose to use empowering, inspirational and impactful words, both verbally and in writing.
Choose to control your actions by creating energizing habits and effective and efficient systems and by being present each moment.
You are the most important person in your life. Be fully centered in yourself to live your best life. Being self-centered enables you to be the best you that you can be.
Want more ideas and encouragement? Join me in a free Energize Your LIFE Vision workshop!